Giving It a Year or Two...or as long as it takes

Back to Square one yet again...

2011-10-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

Part 1 actually...

So, I've been SUPAH busy with life and all (new job, bigger job, longer commute, etc.) and I've lost track of myself.

I don't want to be another statistic. I don't want to out of shape. I want to fit in my clothes. I want to be healthy. I want to deal with stress better.

I don't have time. Argh.

This all kicked off this week when I saw some recent pictures of me. Here I am thinking I am stinkin' adorable and realizing I'm a professional executive who is mucho responsible but also out of control. It's not like I eat bags of candy. I don't binge. My choices probably aren't the best. But by golly! Really?!

So then I think that I have to start this journey ALL over again. The one I never finished in the first place (ie: 2 years ago?) I don't want to be heavy all my life, but I get so darn discouraged about my weight.

2011-10-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

Trying yields either success or an opportunity to learn;
not trying has no positive result besides avoiding mockery or envy that
(research shows) wouldn’t be nearly as big or bad as we fear.
—Martha Beck

This is a great reminder to me. To be ok with starting over. To be ok with my "giving it a year" taking two (or more) years.

I am a professional woman who no longer has the need to be out of control with my health and well being. I am where I am. I have to start somewhere. And no one is going to choose this for me.

I choose health

I choose wellness

I choose flexibility

I choose making solid choices

This is for me. And it feels a bit naughty. I've never allowed myself to take care of me.

It's my turn.

See, that just sounds selfish! However, the definition of selfish doesn't sound like me...none of this is without regard for others. It will make me a better mom, friend and worker bee.

Okie doke. Onto the next phase. I don't want to commit to anything Isn't that sad!

I know, I know...I'm all over the place tonight. :)

Too long away...

2010-06-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

A lot has changed in the past 5 months, too much to list here. But I'm back. I have been busy living my life and not documenting it.

Summer is in full swing and I've got the kids and B engaged in a number of projects. Me too! I've been busy redoing things around the house and getting my own internal house in order.

More to come. But I'm glad to be back. :)

Putting Pen to Paper

2010-01-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

I have a gazillion great ideas running through my head every single day; but until I put pen to paper it's just a to do list. This is key for me, and coming up with a real plan is vital to my success in all my giving it a year projects that I am tackling. And it's hard, but i know when we focus on something, we can really change it.

So this week is a week for no indulging in emotional eating...top 10 things I can do instead of eat...

1) Feel the feeling...
2) Cry (as appropriate)
3) get on the computer
4) write
5) exercise
6) call someone
7) talk it out
8) read

and I'm still working on 9 and 10...

Part 2

2010-01-17T20:38:00.000-08:00

First things first...-1.8 lbs today! 18 total. :)

I've been thinking more about this topic and realized today that most people who hoard are hoarding projects, potential and possibilities. They hoard books, knowledge and memories. I can't help but wonder if they (and we who hoard weight) do so because deep down we do not believe that we, in ourselves, are enough? We don't trust ourselves to be, well, ok and alright in this world. We must have every source of knowledge at our fingertips because we are afraid. Afraid that we can't answer a question. Being unprepared would mean we would be vunerable, and do deal with that anxeity, well....let's just say we don't.

But what if the next time we are presented with a situation that is scary or makes us feel vulnerable, we own it? We embrace it and hell, if we don't know the answer we simply say...I don't know.

We are so worried about what others think, but we must be comfortable in our own skin. With our choices and with who we are. (I am actually sweating over over using the h-e-double hockeys sticks word up there. Sorry kids!)

And frankly, what's the worst that could happen? Will it matter, 5 minutes, 5 months or 5 years from now? Probably not. It's growth and it's gonna hurt peeps...sorry. But we are the only ones who can change ourselves.

By the way, want to take a look at how you stack up...are you considered a hoarder? Check out this scale.

Owning My Emotions

2010-01-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

This week has been an exercise in owning my emotions. It's incredibly easy for me (and most of you I would suspect) to eat when I'm bored, sad, stressed, angry, upset, disappointed, lonely, happy, celebrating, fill in the bank, etc.

This week I tried something different. I have been owning my feelings, sitting with them...feeling them. It is INCREDIBLY hard. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel anxious, like I'm about to crawl my way out of my skin. I don't want to be sad. I have always been very emotional. When my kids hurt, I feel it. I cry at movies, performances, concerts and commercials. I stop breathing during intense movies .

I started this because of the show Hoarders on A&E. Almost everyone featured on that show are not able or willing to deal with their emotions. For example, on the last show, Todd hates to feel anxious and avoids any chance of feeling anxious. By filling his time with gaming or his collections he delays having to deal with anxiety.

Same goes for a number of people on the show...those who are avoiding feeling fill the void by shopping and acquiring things...these "things" serve as a wall, both physically and emotionally. One of the women asked a hoarder how he felt as he sorted and threw out thousands of pounds of trash. His answer...vulnerable.

I also hoard but I hoard weight. The extra pounds are my protection from perceived danger. If lose them, I'm not prepared (which is one of the worst things to be when you dread anxiety). I will be vulnerable. And I'm afraid.

To be continued in part 2 tomorrow...

Crisis of Confidence

2010-01-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

We all have them. And I've seen them this week in many shapes in sizes...from my own personal freak out when I wasn't sure I was "getting it' at work, to my colleague's feelings of helplessness when her daughter was sick, to my daughter's nervousness at her first dance.

What gets you through? For me it was remembering I have to ground myself. I need to spend a little time here. Ultimately, it's up to me to bring myself back. I am responsible for me...no one else is. So I need to know me better. What makes me tick? What do I like, what don't I like? What gives me the strength everyday to move forward to my goals? What are my goals? What brings me pleasure and joy? I can't stand by and wait for anyone else to lead and direct my life. How incredibly victimy (a word?) and selfish. The buck stops here.

This goes for food and weight watchers also. I had a rough week during New Year's. I lost my motivation. I found myself "cheating" a lot and not writing things down. And it just make me feel creepy, so I bucked up and took it back to the ground. Grounding myself. Getting back to why I do what I do...

Side note...my colleague and I were also talking about fleeting celebrity status and how so many on reality shows are thrust into the limelight for a season and then dropped. Specifically, Erik Chopin, who is within 30 pounds of his 2006 weight. Why? Because, according to him, he lost his drive.

Peeps, we have got to keep our drive. Sorry, Erik, but my gut (no pun intended) says you were doing this for everyone else but yourself. Time to get grounded. Quoting Shakespeare from Hamlet, "This above all: to thine own self be true." Now figure out who thine own self is.

PS. Thanks mom, for the quote. I think you first started saying it to me when I was in high school.

PPS. Check out the Biggest Loser Store. They are definitely in it to provide tools to us, but it is up to us to make the most of the tools.

Seriously?!

2009-12-29T20:18:00.001-08:00

I was so excited to have a comment today, until I translated it from it's native language. GRRR, trolls and spammers be gone.

Passing it on...

2009-12-22T19:54:00.000-08:00

I was both surprised and excited to hear that my "giving it a year" personal experiment is breathing life into others. Well, at least one anyway. And surely there is someone else out there reading...aren't you?

Anyway, at my WW meeting, one of the other regulars shared with me that she is encouraged by my giving it a year attitude and she's adopting it.

Just think of the possibilities...we aren't locked into one or two months of drudgery with no end, but have we really given it our all. Have we poured our souls into our change?

By giving ourselves a year, we grant ourselves permission to fully embrace a new attitude or behavior, and if we "mess up", well, it's just one week out of 52, right?

So let's keep going. Let's see where we end up...where do you want to be on the other side of the next 52 weeks?

I don't believe in Co-ink-e-dinks

2009-12-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

For me and my road there is no coincidence. I believe everything is layered upon a layer upon a, well, you get it. The past few weeks have been eye opening for me. I've been seeing how important it is to relate to others - connect with them in a way that is not my typical shallow way. And how it's not all about me. And how I really do deserve more than I'm getting (and giving away).

It started with weight loss, but now it's like ink in water. Slowly spreading to each part of my life. And I'm going to be ok. I'm giving myself permission. I'm giving myself a year.

Moving Forward

2009-11-08T18:44:00.000-08:00

Well, it wasn't as bad as I had feared. Just up 1.2 lbs. And I feel confident that I can lose that this week by staying on plan.

It's crazy how nuts we get over numbers. They definitely have meaning, but should they rule our thoughts? I think not. Just because it's a different number than I wanted doesn't make me any less valuable as a person. It's just a guide - a fat guide. But a guide nonetheless.

During this year I am also working on my value. Where do I add value? What is my contribution? Where do I go from here? I think I place a lot less value on myself than I should. I'm a pretty cool person after all. (and I'm suddenly hearing Stuart Smalley in my head.)

I'm getting better at putting myself out there.

First on the agenda...

2009-11-07T19:32:00.000-08:00

That's right...I'm giving it a year. Giving my life my full attention for another year. So much time has already passed and too readily I have become a spectator. So, check. Done. Counted.

First on the agenda is losing weight. Seems like this is on everyone's agenda. I have been relatively successful so far with weight watchers. But you see, I have this weigh in tomorrow. And I had a rough week. And I wasn't prepared. And I had an (ahem) visitor. So what's a girl to do? I want very, very much to skip my meeting tomorrow.

But that's how I got here in the first place. By skipping tomorrow. By not dealing with my own reality, feelings, etc., head on. So, bring it on scale. I'm not backing down and I'm not going away. In fact...I'm giving it a year.

My leader is fantabulous and shared with me a secret about WW. I admitted a few weeks ago that I am in the program because I am fat and I don't know how to lose the weight. I am successful at so many things, but have never been successful at this. Great job, great family, great house, you get it. I told her I was in for a year, no matter what and I needed to trust the process.

Her reply? We get it and we know what we are doing. Trust it.

So I am. Stay tuned for the results tomorrow (good, bad or just plain ugly...!)